Is this thing still on?

October 5, 2017

It's been four months since my last blog post. It doesn't feel like it's been that long, but somehow it has been. I'm happy to report I have survived the first year of motherhood. I don't know how and definitely not in one piece, but I've made it through. In case you are wondering, my son has survived as well. Being a mom has been the hardest, most emotionally draining thing I have ever done.  Throw on the fact that I'm also working full time and it's no surprise why it's been four months since my last blog post.

I've prioritized sleep and time with my son over food tastings, happy hours and recipe developing. My life is nothing like it once was and to tell you the truth there are times when I miss that old life. When my son is screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing an epic tantrum and nothing will calm him down, it's hard not to miss the peace and quiet I once took for granted.

Then in an instant, my son will lay his head on my chest, insist on holding my hand and flash the sweetest smile I have ever witnessed. Then the tantrums don't seem that bad. Throw in the fact that being a mom also came with a side of postpartum depression hell and well, things have been rough for me.

So as a result, this blog has been collecting dust in the foreground. Testing recipes, being on the hunt for the best new hole-in-the-wall restaurant is of no interest to me. I’m so exhausted, there are days when all I eat is cold cereal, drink coffee I’ve reheated at least six times and my son’s half eaten lunch.

So when I say that I have survived the first year, I mean that quite literally. Postpartum depression sucker punched me and there were days when I felt like my son would be better off without me in his life. Even now, fifteen months later there are days when I feel so defeated and worthless. Days when I feel like such a failure. Days when I still think that my presence only hinders him because he saves his worst tantrums for only me, refuses to walk infront of me and sleeps poorly only when I'm around. But then there are days when his biggest smiles and sweetest caresses are only for mama. Days when he only wants to be held or fed by mama.

Thankfully, the good days are finally starting to outweigh the bad. I'm hoping that means I'll be able to dip my toes back into this old hobby that used to bring me so much joy. Til then you can find me on Instagram posting pictures of my lunch.

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